*My Journey To Happiness*

Monday, 16 June 2008

Last night I had a dream; a nightmare if you must. Let me try to explain the basics; (even though they don't make sense and would probably be better if I never mentioned details but what the hell) I am apart of the Canadian Air Force advance reconisance space team. We are scouting a new planet. One thick with gases and flamible liquids. Well, someone is playing with matches. I start to run when I see this. Unfortunately, Trish did not. I didn't even know Trish was in my dream until this point. She, and the rest of my team, was engulfed in flames. She began screaming like I have never heard anyone scream before. I reached for my hip, but alas, my side arm wasn't there. I couldn't take the screaming! It was eating away at my sanity. So I woke up. I never wake up. That is how bad it tore me apart. When I fell back asleep, it was as a commando to avenge the death of my entire team. Then it was much like Halo.

I have been thinking about Trish a lot. I can't seem to get her out of my head. As saddened by her "Imagined" death as I was, I have to wonder; am I mad at her?

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|13:28| comments

Sunday, 19 February 2006

Part of an email I sent to Kristi to catch her up on what has been going on in my life since October when I fell of the world. I am still not sure if I want to come out of hiding, but I must document my life shouldn't I?

I wanted to tell you about a girl who was... um...a problem? It is kinda old news now, and I have made my decision, but at the time it was hell. Shortly before Halloween, I met this girl named Erica. I knew that she had a boyfriend, but she was hot, and I wanted her to like me. So, I pulled out the old high school tricks, and did my best to impress her. I didn't lie to her...just showed her the side I thought she would like best. It worked too well. By the end of that first day, she was begging me to make out with her. I found it very amusing. She had never been rejected before and she didn't like it. She tried to nonchalantly kiss me as we were flirting with each other. When I pulled away, she went into shock. I guess everyone else saw this too and started laughing at her. That part I felt bad about. The rest of the night she spent trying to convince me how much she liked me. Her game was strong, lol. I saw right through her though. She is very manipulative. She knows too well the power that women hold over men. I guess I became a challenge for her. I wanted to believe the things she told me. I wanted to believe that I was wrong about her. I was sick that first week after meeting her. Loss of appetite, nausea, mild depression, and various other cliches. I went to see our doctor after the fifth day because I was sure that it had to be the flu. No way was this girl getting to me. But alas, my doc said that my sickness must be coming from stress because everything checked out fine. Then she (doc) asked me why I was giving this girl such power over me. I couldn't answer. Well, I wasn't going to tell her anyways. How do you explain to a stranger that you are lonely, and when a beautiful girl starts saying all the things that you want to hear, you want to give in, but you know that she comes with too much baggage? It was right around this time that I started figuring out that she was an alcoholic. Every-time her and I went out we ended up at a bar, and then her boyfriend would show up and drag her home. She tried to get me to fight him a few times. Finally, I stopped talking to her. I tried to push her out of my mind, but mutual friends would bring her up. Then about two months ago, I came home and she was there(here). I recognized her perfume before I saw her. I missed her. I hated myself for missing her. We talked for about twenty minutes before she had to go to her AA meeting. Thanks to her second DUI, she now has to go. As I thought she would, she called me and asked me out to dinner the next time her boyfriend was stuck on the ship (he is in the Navy too). We went out had a bottle of wine with dinner, decided to grab some more wine and watch some movies at her place. We went through another two bottles, and didn't make it past the first movie before she led me into the bedroom. It was the worst ten minutes of my life, lol. The whole time I kept asking myself, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Finally after (she is calling right now,lol) ten minutes we stopped. I was so mad! I couldn't believe that she seduced me, and I fell for it. She passed out about twenty minutes later and I left. I went to a bar, and started drinking. As I sat there trying to figure out why women do things like that, these two girls start hitting on me. This would have normally cheered me up, except that they had their dates/boyfriends standing right there with them. I was totally trashed. I ended up getting pulled over that night. I don't know how I always manage to get away with seeming sober. I guess it helps that I tell them I was drinking. lol I have passed two field sobriety tests and let go when I knew that I was well beyond what should be safe. So now you are up to date, sort of. She is back to drinking just as much as before the DUI, and now engaged to her boyfriend. She still whispers those sweet nothings, but now I have anger to hold her away. I told her I just wanted to be friends so many times but apparently she doesn't care. She invites a bunch of people out just so I will go out with her. She wants a bunch of us to go over for dinner and movies tonight. One part of me wants to go. I crave the attention, even if it is from the wrong women. Another part wants to go get drunk and wallow. Her presence is a constant reminder of how lonely I am. It is like she knows it and rubs it in. But I know that is not true, just my imagination. I wish you were here, so you could help me make her jealous, lol. But that would just be more games. Although, it would still make me smile to see the look on her face.

This is my life. Pretty sad huh? I am 26yo now. Time seems to be flying by. Faster than I want it to go. Were am I headed?

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|20:33| comments (3)

Sunday, 25 September 2005

So, I had another one night stand. Yes, another one. I am not bringing up the past again, a new one. This time I kinda struck a lil too close to home. The girl happened to be the girlfriend of a subboardinate. I think she just liked the fact that I was her guy's boss. I denied everything of course. Two days later she broke up with him. lol, I feel like such an asshole. I becoming quite the whore. I don't know how I feel about that.

There is a common ground to both of my last one-nighters; Kristi. I couldn't stop thinking about Kristi. I went out on those nights specifically trying to get her out of my mind. Lately just hearing the name or anything really that reminds me of her (which is a lot) can bring on a bout of depression that is sooo hard to kick. Especially at work. It kills me at work. When I just want to get away and cry, curled up in the corner; I have to be strong, firm, manly, and composed so that I can lead my team. I have no one to talk to about it either. I have no friends that I consider close enough to talk to about that. So I carry it, alone and in pain, with a smile on my face. Last night my mom calls and asked about Kristi. I was surprised that she remembered her. She always remembers her. I have never told my mom how I feel about Kristi.

How I feel about Kristi. There is a hole in my chest. No, it feels more like heartburn. My chest hurts: dead center, upper torso. There is a slight warmth in my stomach that seems to move and makes me shivers. Hunger maybe, but I don't feel like eating. I remember these feelings. The freshness is different, and there is no anger to them this time. I was thinking that this pain feels a lot like being in love, also. lol Is it all a trick of the mind weather you get to be happy or sad??? Love. Could it be possible that love is the only true emotion, and all other feelings are a branch of it? Anger? To be Angry you must first be offended in someway about something that you care about. I am babbling.

I somehow have released some unknown pheromones (fair-a-moans?). The oppurtunity for sex has skyrocketed. I currently count six women that I could have sex with. More if you count the ones that I didn't actually talk to and the ones I have already slept with. I told myself that this is where I wanted to get to about a month ago. Goal accomplished. Now what? Aren't I suppose to be enjoying this? I think the only part that I actually enjoy is the attention. Well, and those moments during sex that I take for myself, where I forget that we are strangers. I have to be careful with those moments though; they can lead down roads I don't care for.

Oh, and my party was a moderate success. Only a little drama, and I talked the cop into leaving in under one minute! Yay me! I couldn't get Summer to go to the party though. She had a wedding to go to. She knows that I like her now though. Out of all the many women I have been meeting Summer is the only one that I want to date. She scares me though. I know enough about her to know that I would fall for her pretty easily. She is my type. Perfect. Beauty inside and out. I am afraid of committment.

Although, another side of me has no fears. The side still in pain. I have no cares for consequences. That is part of the reason I have been meeting so many women. You would think someone would notice the drastic change in personality. How a deathy shy guy starts talking to so many women in such a short period of time. Instead they applaude me. Tell me how happy they are that I am finally getting some play. They even try to hook me up with more women!!! My roommate Ron even asked if I wanted to date his sister! She is coming out next month I guess and she is a "free-spirit", lol.

Women, women, women. Didn't I say a few posts ago that I am tired of talking about women? I wonder if I had one, if I would be talking about the weather? lol

Such is life I suppose. My life anyways.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|14:50| comments (10)

Thursday, 15 September 2005

Katrina! That's Heather's cousins name! I just saw the name on Chester's blog and it made me remember. Thanks Chester!

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|09:19| comments (1)

Ok, so the new things. Thanks for reminding me UGA. You probably won't like what I have to say though, because it involves buying everything but a computer. lol sorry.

I bought a 2005 Nissan Maxima. It is very nice and I wouldn't have thought much about it until I actually got into it. I payed more than I should have and and at a very high interest rate but I like it and I can easily afford it. I bought a new 1000W JVC home theather system. It is the coolest! It especially looks good next to my new 55" Sony Wega LCD projection TV, with matching stand. I moved into a house with three other guys. I left Heather to fend for herself. I got the master bedroom which is twice the size of my apt's. I finally bought a dresser type thing, and head and foot boards for my bed. I am still planning on buying a computer though. I won't say next month like I always do though. I procrastinate to much.

About women....lol, I always seem to talk about women, don't I? Too much in my opinion. I had another one night stand last week. I kinda feel bad about it. I have been trying to talk myself into dating more. Going out on casual dates with women I don't have to necessarily like. I need to experience more. I have had only two girlfriends in my life and I am getting tired about always drawing on those two experiences. I don't know if I ever mentioned this HOT coffee girl that I always see. Everyone says that she is flirting with me, but I can't tell if she is just being friendly. I will find out tomorrow, because I am finally going to ask her out (Well to my housewarming/barbeque/party). After only six months of going to the same coffee place! lol Wish me luck, cause I think she is out of my league. Although, I have notice that women seem to pay a lot more attention to me lately. Maybe I am just looking for it though. Heather has a hot cousin that she keeps trying to hook me up with, and I danced with her at the local club. She seems interested, but she turned down this guy who was much better looking than myself. He tried to talk to her the whole night, but she wasn't having any of it. Heather says that .....FUCK, I just realized I can't remember her name! Anyways, Heather says that her cousin thinks that I am not interested. So, my world is in the process of changing. I don't know what I want to do. There are a few girls at work who seem to be going out of their way to talk to me. I didn't even know them, but they just came up and started talking to me, and now they won't stop. (Not at the same time, lol)

My job at work is temporarily different. I am working as a supervisor on the Mess Decks; which is the equivalent of a cafeteria/resturant. I directly supervise 7 kids and indirectly about 32. It has been long 12 hour days so far but this weekend I have a three day weekend, so it should be nice. I have been so busy that I haven't even moved all of my stuff out of my apt yet! I am at work right now, so I better go. If you let these them, these kids will get away with murder.

Bye for now!

MUAH!

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|09:16| comments

Monday, 05 September 2005

HELP!!!!

I expected this post to be full of all the things that are going on in my life right now; such as, a new car ('05 Nissan Maxima), a new house, the hot coffee girl (Summer) that I want to ask out, and the changes at work. Instead of all that though I am going to write about Kristi. I need help/advice on this one. The last time I taked to her she told me that she was dating a thirty-five year old. I ignored it but she brought it back up. At the time I just thought that she expected me to make fun of her or say something about the age difference. I was a little drunk at the time and was just happy to hear her voice, I didn't feel like arguing. We talked yesterday and I bought the subject back up. I have never heard her talk that way about anyone before. It bothered me. This was different than the ones in the past. I found out that she hasn't been seeing Tara for a long time. A lot of what I thought I knew about her life is different from what I thought. Not in a bad way, it just let me know that I am out of the loop. She emailed yesterday....she said that "He could be the one." Yes, I know, I am jealous. I should be happy for her, but I am not. This tells me a lot about the things I keep from myself. I have never denied the fact that I love her more than anything in the world. She is the longest and most important friendship I have. I guess that I always hoped it would be me. Lollipops and fairytales, I guess. I feel like my heart is breaking, and it shouldn't be. Kristi and I wouldn't even work as a relationship.

GAWD, I hope she doesn't invite me to the wedding. Not that she WILL marry this one, but I couldn't sit there and watch as she marries someone else. I would have to make up an excuse and more than likely I would just say, "Great! I'm there!" Then show up in all black for my funeral directly after the reception. j/k (I think)

Why can't I just let her go? There has been a distance growing between us for a while now. I have felt it in the absence of calls and emails. I have felt it in our calls and emails. I need even more distance now. Or I will not be able to survive. I need to calm down. I can't think about anything else but getting drunk right now. Unfortunately I am at work, and won't get off until 7pm tonight. The only friend that is close enough to talk to about something of this nature is Kristi. Isn't it ironic? Don't cha think? If I wasn't so sure that Kristi had forgotten this site, I wouldn't even be writing it here.

I feel the depression coming and I don't need it right now. Not when I everything was starting to fall into place.

I Should mention that years ago Kristi and I said that we would get married in the future. She wanted to finish college and at least wait until I got out of the Navy. That is why I had such a hard time deciding to reenlist. It pushed back when I could marry Kristi. I wanted to hear her say, "Don't reenlist, come home and marry me." I knew that wouldn't happen, but I waited as long as I could anyways. I reenlisted the day I was suppose to get out. It would have been another five years until the time we aggreed upon. Part of me wonders if that is why I haven't dated anyone in the last seven years. I don't feel like it anymore. Not even Summer, who I have been waiting so long to ask out. I finally had the courage but not anymore.

What do I do? What do I say to Kristi? I told her I would email her today. GAWD I hope some of you are on line today. Do I lie and say "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"? Do I tell her that I am jealous. I don't know. I know I will just let pretend to be happy and cry myslef to sleep. lol I wish it wasn't true.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|10:07| comments (5)

Tuesday, 09 August 2005

test post from work

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|08:25| comments (4)

Friday, 15 July 2005

So I actually have a few things to say today. How very different of me, huh?

I am temporarily going to a school on a different base. I am taking a leadership course. I don't know if it is the fact that I am starved for knowledge that I am having a great time or the class is actually a good one. Either way, I am having fun. Meeting new people, and working hard. The class itself is only 3-4 hours and then there is homework. There are eleven internet lessions that have to be completed. I am done with eight of them and there is still another week of class left! I have been staying late working on the base computers to get all of my work done.

Last week I got a text message from Kari. In case you don't remember her, and I wouldn't expect you to, she was a girl I met while she was on her spring break (like three years ago). I haven't talked to her in about a year and a half. It was right around the time that I first discovered this site. I was always hoping for more between us, and when it became painfully obvious that it wasn't going to happen and I realized that she wasn't being as good of a friend either, I stopped trying. Anyways, it was surprizing that she even remembered me, much less thought about me. But she soon ended the text conversation. I didn't give it much thought. Girls are odd sometimes. I thought maybe she was just erasing numbers from her phone and came across mine. No big deal. (Even more surprising was the fact that I never erased her number.) She text me again last night, only this time she wanted to talk, so I called her. We talked for about two hours, maybe longer. I haven't talked to ANYONE that long in the last six months, maybe even longer than that. Hell, I am hard pressed to spend twenty minutes on the phone. She was very complimentary. She missed me. She has crossed my thoughts every now and then but I really hadn't missed her. At least, I didn't think so. It was a lot of fun talking to her again. As long as I don't get attached, It is all good.

My roommate Heather has gotten on my nerves a little. I guess I just got use to living alone. Half of the time, I just want to scream, "MIIIIINNNEEE!!!!!!!!!" Luckily, I can control myself a little and only manage to look grumpy.

I guess I am going out tonight, hopeful it will be fun. I need the relaxation after all the work I put in this week. Wish me luck (you know why)

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|14:12| comments (7)

Thursday, 07 July 2005

Not much to add, but felt I should post something, since I am here.

Flirted with this girl at work. It was nice to see her flirt back, but she is already attached to someone else. Didn't stop her from inviting me to hang out. Why can't I find SINGLE, OF AGE women???

Unlike my not finding women, Heather had someone in bed with her this morning. I noticed when I left for work. I haven't got the story yet though.

Peace out for now, G's. lol

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|11:53| comments (4)

Saturday, 02 July 2005

Today is Thursday, right? Ok, I am sorry. I got caught up at work and couldn't make it. It should have been a free day; but alas, you never know what will happen.

I have been working out for about two maybe three months now, and I have FINALLY got my weight back down to 190lbs. Twenty more pounds and I will be back at what I was last year at this time. Wish me luck.

Work has been ok. One of my friends got himself a DUI a while back and is getting off of restriction today. After he is done with his alone time with his wife we should be drinking. Don't worry though, there won't be any driving, just a whole lot of swerving going on, lol.

I was able to get a guy out of trouble the other day. He works in my shop, but is temporarily working for a different one. I happened to be walking by when he told a superior to "Fuck Off". I was able to convince the guy to let me counsel him instead of sending him to mast. (Mast is like court; where you receive punishments, like fines and brig time.) It felt good to be able to help. He is a guy, like myself, who CAN'T get into trouble again, or he will be kicked out. Anyways, I am starting to like being a supervisor. On the other side, there is a supervisor for a different shop who keeps sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. I actually like the guy, but lately he has been giving my guys orders and I don't like that. Jay is becoming irritating at work, or more accurately, his lack of work is becoming irritating.

ARGGH! I hate complaining! It puts me in a bad mood. I need a smoke. I am sure I left out half of what I wanted to type today, but what's new? Are-re-ba-dare-che (like that?lol)

BTW-- can anyone recommend a brand of computer to help me narrow my search? All I need it to do is have a lot of memory for High resolution photographs and music storage. No gaming, or work, just a little photoshop and some internet. Help!?

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|09:30| comments (5)